According to Plan
by Yeslek kelseY
Summary: She supposed that they were all convenient plot devices for the universe to use as it pleased.


I absolutely love the Vegeta/Bulma pairing. I adore them being together and will probably read fan fictions about them for many years (don't judge me). But sometimes, those stories seem to follow the same chain of events. So here is a parody using those common themes that we know and love of a typical V/B story.

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><p>Frieza, ruler of the known universe, was not happy.<p>

He was seated in a dark and spacious, but bare room, swirling his red wine in its glass container as he mulled over the latest dilemma in his universe: a chipped finger nail.

One would be startled by the fact that the lord was concerned with something so superficial, but Frieza had an image to keep and everything had to be perfect in order to retain it. It was simple to be evil and to do evil things, but it was quite difficult to pull the look off, but pull it off he did.

Except for now, and that angered Frieza to no end. How could he run the universe and keep the simpletons who resided in it in line if his presence didn't scream evil? The answer was he couldn't. Sure, he remained in his creepiest form and had purposely damaged his vocal cords in order to give himself an evil rasp. Sure, he kept his room dark and chilled to an exact 5⁰ Fahrenheit to create a foreboding atmosphere. And of course he had relentlessly searched the universe for a pair of contacts that would give him the 'creepy-beady-red-eye' look so no one could look him in the eye. But all of that hard work into maintaining a fearful appearance was for naught if he didn't look absolutely perfect.

He frowned at the mar on his otherwise perfect nail. He had noticed it filling out paperwork (not even the universe's supreme overlord could escape such a thing) and concluded that the damage must have happened when he destroyed that peace-loving planet yesterday. If he could, he'd destroy it again for causing his ailment.

The frustrated lord settled for calling an underling and sending him to retrieve polish. When the underling returned with the news of there being no polish on the ship, Frieza settled for killing him. He sighed. He'd really hear it from the worker's coalition now.

"Zarbon," he called for his right hand man.

"Yes, Lord Frieza," the blue-skinned, green-haired man replied, staring at his lord adoringly while stepping out of the shadows.

"Locate the nearest planet with nail polish, and send some men to retrieve the necessary color."

"What color, my lord?"

"The color of evil," Frieza removed his gaze from his fingernail to stare out the window. "Dark purple."

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><p>Bulma Briefs was upset. She absolutely could not believe her jerk of a now ex-boyfriend. Chi Chi, her best friend, walked beside her as she animatedly told the story of her break up.<p>

" So today, after working on some projects, I decided to go jogging," Bulma paused to sip her frappe. "I jogged for a while and eventually wound up in the park. Exhausted, I decided to sit on the bench for a break. And that's when I saw him." She angrily crushed her empty frappe, and Chi Chi nodded for her to continue.

"He was making out with some blonde chick! I couldn't believe it. I never suspected he would do this to me, even if he has cheated eleven times before!" She huffed.

Chi Chi also felt anger and eagerly asked, "What did you do next?"

"I walked over to confront them, of course! The girl smiled at me and ran away, but Yamcha remained on the ground with a surprised look in his eyes. You'll never believe his explanation."

Bulma and Chi Chi were sitting down in the mall's food court by now, and Bulma was quiet for a moment as she recalled the stupidity of his excuse.

"He jumped up from the ground and tried to tell me it wasn't his fault, that the girl had tackled him and began kissing him. Of course I didn't believe him and yelled obscenities at him. After a while he just started screaming something about being a convenient plot device for the universe before storming off." Bulma concluded.

"Huh," Chi Chi looked at her in bewilderment, "I wonder if he's going through an existentialist phase?"

"Don't know, don't care," Bulma replied. "I've decided I'm through with him. I'm going to be a new woman, hence the new haircut and wardrobe," she said, gesturing at her person as well as the multiple bags sitting around them. "Now I just need some nail polish."

With that new goal in mind, both women stood and began heading in the direction of the beauty shop.

Then all hell broke loose.

The skylights overhead broke into millions of shards as strange looking men rushed through. The men landed calmly on the floor and began striding towards the beauty shop. They paid no heed to the people staring at them in wonder and terror as they tore the shop apart.

"Hey, is this the right color?" asked a man to his team mates.

"No, no, no. That's dark PINK. We're looking for dark PURPLE." Another one barked back.

"Found it!" one finally announced, brandishing a container of the dark liquid. The other men cheered before taking large amounts of that single shade.

"No…" Bulma gasped, staring wide-eyed at the shade they were taking. According to the fashion magazines, dark purple was the must-have color of the season! And they were taking it all! She couldn't have that. She may be an emotional wreck, but Bulma Briefs was _never_ a physical wreck and always looked beautiful. So for the sake of fashion, Bulma bravely surged forward and grabbed the last bottle of the nail polish.

"Hey!" a pink and fat man angrily exclaimed and grabbed her before she could get away. She struggled as he held her against him .

"Return that! That is property of Lord Frieza!"

"Never!" Bulma held the bottle tightly. "It's mine!"

"Stupid bitch," he growled. "I'm going to kill you for your insolence."

He roughly threw Bulma to the ground and a glowing ball of light began to form in his hand. Bulma stared at the orb in panic and tried to think of a plan. She finally decided that it was time for Bulma-sue.

She looked at the men. Her exotic blue hair was shining in the sunlight. Her large blue eyes were the purest shade of blue and were shimmering with unshed tears. Her teeth played with her full, petal pink lips nervously. All in all, she was the picture of helplessness, and she hoped her cute display would save her.

"Dodoria, don't." One of the other men whispered in awe. How had they not noticed this beauty before?

Dodoria was no different. He let the orb of light disappear as he unknowingly fell for the charms of the Bulma-sue.

"She's coming with us," he decided, and threw the exotic beauty over his shoulder.

"What! No, no, no!" She panicked. The pink man she was slung over began to take off, and Bulma realized that there was nothing she could do. Oh well, she thought, she wasn't going through this alone.

"Wait!" She shouted, and the pink man halted his flight to listen to her. "Take my friend, too!"

"… Why should we?" He needed a good reason. Lord Frieza would not be pleased with him bringing back a human.

"Because she's pretty too!" Bulma exclaimed, pointing below at the raven-haired beauty.

Good enough for him. "Kakarot, get her." Dodoria ordered.

A dark headed man enthusiastically flew down to where Chi Chi was seated and threw her over his shoulder. Dodoria nodded in approval and they all took off.

Chi Chi groaned in annoyance. "Now what, Bulma?" She shouted over the rush of air.

"I don't know!" Bulma yelled back. "I think this is the part where we dramatically pass out!"

"Okay!" Chi Chi agreed. Darkness then crept over the vision of both women as they fell into unconsciousness.

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><p>TBC, if wanted.<p> 


End file.
